Addiction

(so I decided I would post all my poems up on my blog. One every few days. I  have written these from the age of 15 and to 20. I will post them and provide a brief explanation if there is one. I hope you enjoy.)

The first poem is called Addiction. I wrote it when I was 16 and first really discovered attraction in a sexual way. It was a topic of a lot of my poems back then, and it is the first in my folder. Tell me what you think 


Addiction

A silly smile,

A warm touch,

Our bodies yearn

For each others touch.

Addiction

Is the word I use

I am addicted to you.

You tease me gently

Laughing at my

Inability to resist

Happiness is all you bring

You pull.

And I will place my heart

Confidently in your hands

My addiction…

Do not break it.

Let it Go

The past may haunt me, or sometimes leave me feeling that there is really no end in sight. But the more i live and the more I experience, the more I begin to understand that the things I always believed were holding me back were actually helping me grow. All te hardships I believed would haunt me forever begin to fade with time.

Hindsight is 20/20 right?

I must learn to try and let the past go, even the things that I dont talk too much about. I cannot change there things. Dwelling on memories long past does nothing for me.

So here is to letting go

I realized today

I have the best extended family anyone could ever ask for. I have the best mom in the world who raised me through it all. My nana who always spoiled me, even when I didn't deserve it. My Grampy for always trying to teach me and broaden my mind. My auntie beth and uncle pat for always being there for me, and teaching me about video games :). My uncle sal, uncle chris, and Julia for always making the family holidays more fun. To Jeffrey for opening my eyes to new art and literature that still is a huge part of my life.
My aunt Patricia and cousin Kristina for being suck good people, and always being great to me- even when I am sometimes not the best. My granny for being the sweetest and most loving person I have ever known. To my papa- where ever he is for making me smile and always loving me.

Why do I go through this to thank everyone you ask? Well today I did a lot of thinking about my real father and how his presence in my life, even when married to my mother, was never there. At first it made me sad, and I spent a lot of my day upset. I felt left out, like I didn't matter as much, or like my two step brothers got more of a family. That is until I realized all the people I named above have been so good to me and loved me so much that I haven't missed a single thing. I am the luckiest girl in the entire world.

Not only have all these wonderful people grace my life- I have a boyfriend who loves me and supports me. I am happier every morning because I know he is there.

And you know what I am a fun loving, artistic, beautiful girl who will keep smiling. Because I haven't missed out by losing my father. He missed out- because he lost me. And I can't be replaced.

Rebirth and Renewal

I woke this morning and felt like watching a sad movie. It was a day of unspent emotion- yet not bad emotions. I believe I cry now and then is healthy enough.

I am a person who feels when I watch a movie I would like to better myself. It is a strange habit because I do not believe that is what movies are made to do. Bu when I watch a film, that is not an action or horror or other Hollywood blunder, I wish to come away with a new point of view I had never had before.

I watched 'The Lovely Bones' today and it was a beautiful piece of art. Maybe because I am a Peter Jackson fan, but it was beautiful. I felt a swelling sadness in my heart I cannot explain. Yet a peace also filled me. Though the hope was lost there was rebirth and renewal of a new hope. And now tonight, as I rest I feel peace and tranquility.

Movies are a good remedy for unspent emotion.

Because I'm Mr. Brightside

Jealousy turning sense into the sea

Twirling through sick lullabies 

Joking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay 

Destiny is calling me 

Open up my eager eyes.... 

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.  

Right now I am losing friends, whither it be some selfish impulse they have, or my plain distaste for some people I used to be close to. But is it a loss? Why do I need friends who want to see me when they find it convenient to give me a call once in a while. Why do I need friends who talk about me when I am not around. I cannot fathom why I have put up with some of this for so long. So to all the fair-weather friends, goodbye. I am sorry that we could not be friends longer, but I have to say goodbye. 

This view makes the world a little lonely, I will not lie. I feel high school is completely gone and all the friendships have slipped slowly with it. I remember things through a haze, like it is slowly fading from view. And yes, right now, I am a little lonely. But I need to leave the past behind. 

Maybe that is theme to this post. I am shedding my skin, and leaving the past behind. I am stepping into a new world. It looks bright with opportunity. In two months, I will start beauty school. It is a new beginning for me, and I look forward to it. I have kept people in my life who I realize are my true friends. Everyone always says, after high school you only keep the friends who really matter. I never believed the scores of adults who told me that until right now.  I have kept the most wonderful boyfriend who reminds me everyday that I need to keep walking. He never does it for me, but has inspired me to take that first step and now that I have, I refuse to stop. 

I began this post feeling bitter and hurt, but as I let my fingers flow the words have formed their own beautiful words of renewal. I let go all my bitterness towards people who hurt me, and I am open to mend those bridges. I need to let it all go. So as I walk forward into the future I will leave all resent behind and...

Open up my eager eyes

Because I'm Mr. Brightside

Open up My Eager Eyes

Life comes before you even know it is here. Today is 10/10/10. Another day in this stream we call time. But imagine, this day won't happen for another thousand years. Amazing isn't it? We live at a time in history that, to us is just another day, and it is in all reality, just another day. But this day will never happen again.

My point is, live for today- and enjoy it, for it will never come again.

Destiny is calling me

Recently life is throwing me curve balls I can't hit. I am just swinging and missing over and over until frustration takes over and a burst into an emotional maelstrom. I feel completely out of control. It is one of those times I need one thing to go right, but one thing. If that job had come through, and David from David's Hotdogs had not lied. (by the way I am NEVER going there again). He seriously asked me to give leave on my other job to work for him just to tell me he wasn't using me- three days before I was to start work. So as you can imagine I am a little crushed. If my school didn't require a $2000 down-payment that cannot be covered by student loans. If my car wasn't making noises when it turned on. If my parents weren't arguing and broke. If I could just call the one person I want to talk to without getting him in trouble or being worried I would get yelled at... '

If one thing were going right it may be a lot easier. But all of these things are happening at once- and I am sorry I am not amazing. I can't stand all the pressure at once and it crushing me. I need one thing to go right. Just one- that is all I am asking. But guess what that isn't gonna happen for a while. So if I seem like I am miserable- I apologize. 

Right now, things are awful.