Destiny is calling me

Recently life is throwing me curve balls I can't hit. I am just swinging and missing over and over until frustration takes over and a burst into an emotional maelstrom. I feel completely out of control. It is one of those times I need one thing to go right, but one thing. If that job had come through, and David from David's Hotdogs had not lied. (by the way I am NEVER going there again). He seriously asked me to give leave on my other job to work for him just to tell me he wasn't using me- three days before I was to start work. So as you can imagine I am a little crushed. If my school didn't require a $2000 down-payment that cannot be covered by student loans. If my car wasn't making noises when it turned on. If my parents weren't arguing and broke. If I could just call the one person I want to talk to without getting him in trouble or being worried I would get yelled at... '

If one thing were going right it may be a lot easier. But all of these things are happening at once- and I am sorry I am not amazing. I can't stand all the pressure at once and it crushing me. I need one thing to go right. Just one- that is all I am asking. But guess what that isn't gonna happen for a while. So if I seem like I am miserable- I apologize. 

Right now, things are awful. 

But it's Just the Price I Pay

There are somethings I realize I am not completely over. There are somethings that no matter how long it has been are still with me. I put them so far in the back of my mind that when they come up it's like a wave of nausea all over again. Maybe I am particularly bad at getting over things... But it is a strange to think that it doesn't bother me the way most people would think.

When I am in a happy, normal state of mind I can talk about these issues with ease. I can fully discuss them. It seems like a different part of my life. I don't get upset by admitting they happened, or telling people. I get upset when someone does something that causes a whole wave of nostalgia that makes me feel like there are bugs crawling in my skin. Like the world is crushing me. I am not sure where these feelings are coming from.

Recently my dreams have been troubled with this past events. I wake up every morning that strange feeling all over again. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Nothing has happened, nothing even remotely to remind me of these events. But recently I have been haunted by them. I wake up and spend a few minutes trying to make the nausea go back down. It is not a pleasant way to wake up...

I am not sure what to do.

The second of July

I wake up, the same as I do every morning and look vaugely out the window at the clear blue sky watching the scattered clouds glide lazily by. It is already ten , and my limbs don't seem to have good motivation to begin movement. I lay in a twisted sea of blankets as the haziness of a scattered sleep seems to slowly drain out of my frozen muscles. I find it strange the pattern of my thoughts in the morning. The dream like wonder has not yet drifted away from my mind, and my thoughts seem less burdened by worry and fear. I see quiet clearly everything that had been shrowded in fear before.

I think that my mind is clear.

As I wake this morning there is not a worry on my mind and I listen to the soft pulse of my heart in my head. It reminds me of the heart of someone I hold dear- and how everytime I put my head to his chest the loud thumping echos through my head, as my far weaker heart does now. My hearts beat is not so profound. I wonder why that is as my memory echos back through my head, mixing with a soft beat. But it doesn't concern me much. I am far too content for a troubled thought; it is what happens when you are curled in a polar fleece sheet.

But I still wonder why his heart beats so loudly. I know I always comment how I can hear his heart, and he laughs. I wonder why my heart beats so softly. It seems so frail in comparason, it's soft beat steady and unchanging. I wonder if it is because I am female. Or if it is the fact my heart has stopped before. I am not sure, either way the sound continues to echo softly.

The house comes alive around me. I hear my brother's morning cartoon on the televison, and my parents seem to be eating breakfast. I am in no hurry to move though, I am aware they have not made any for me, and I am not a breakfast person. There is nothing to do today so even as the rest of the world begins I have no motivation to move. The house will go on it's own way, and I predict I will be sitting at home. So there is no hurry. My languid pace suits me this time.

I close my eyes and enjoy the peace. I know my mind will turn on soon and then the days hectic thoughts will begin. Morning is a time for me- a time for peace. It is the second of July. It has been one month and a year since someone wonderful came into my life. And for some reason that brings a smile to my face. And at that moment I know everything will be alright

Joking on your alibis

Emotion is such a strange thing. Some people, such as myself, cannot help but spill emotion. Then there are people who cannot show emotion at all. How does the mind work? How is it possible that some people are open books and other's are not? Is it really how we are raised, or do our brains really work so differently?

I am not even sure how the human brain works, I am not sure how it is possible. I have only ever lived my life, in my head. Sometimes I feel unsensitive because there is so much about people I cannot understand. For example if I have a problem I tend to feel upset and push against the flow, while Adam is logical and decides to go with the flow and fix things. Of course fixing things is amazing but I wonder how he can be so calm. Is it... Normal? Am I the strange one? Or are we all so different?

I have friends like myself as well. And k have friends like Adam too. How are we all so different? And even someone like me who does have bipolar disorder, is it even real? Are there really emotional problems like that or has some docter made them up to explain people who are different?

After today I am not sure... What does eveyone think?

Twirling through sick lullabies

Continued from last night

Anyway, like I was saying I just feel lacking in everything. Almost as if I am going slower then most. Every time I want to feel alright, and I truthfully try my best something kicks me back down. I am not even sure how to keep getting back up. I am almost ready to disconnect and just fall back into myself... But I know it is not the right thing to do. It will not solve anything.

On top of all of this my dog, Moka, is very sick. She can barely walk and she has a bad fever... I am trying to learn how to let her go, but it is not easy. I know she is 12, and I know she has lived a long time.. I just love her dearly. I am not even sure how exactly to handle the situation. I feel sad, yet I am a swirling mess... I am so out of energy. I have no energy to be too sad...

I am not sure what to do. But I need to find a solution soon. I cannot continue to be an emotional whirlwind sweeping the people I love the most into the mix.

I apologize if I sound like an emotional freak.

Jealousy turning sense into the sea

So it has been a while since I really wrote about me hasn't it? Mostly it has been emo logs, and some sad prose I stumbled through at 3 am. Unfortunately I can't say I have been better then those ramblings. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks. After getting a very promising reply from apple (and going to one training session) I was sadly let down.. The same day I learned I was losing a shift at work. Right now I work at Bistro M, a French Bistro, and I have to say it is hell on earth. It is poorly managed and we don't even get paid on time... not a structured environment, nor a good environment to have a job. I have wanted to leave for a  while, and I was working on it. I just didn't expect to be so suddenly put in an uncompromising situation.

It has been a disappointment. Not only to myself, but to everyone. Everything I have worked for seems to fall apart and it leaves me... Morose to say the least. It has not been fair to Adam. I always feel I am on the edge of an existential break down...  And he is taking the brunt of it. In all honesty sometimes I am jealous of him. He is a complete beacon of strength. Never faltering, never wavering... Even when I throw my worst at him it seems to brush off (not that I intentional throw my worst, sometimes it just happens). I am jealous of that. Emotion hits me in such powerful waves that surge over me and pull me in. To him I am an open book, I am... Predictable. A predictable nuisance.

My self esteem isn't doing too well either if you can tell. I have gained 30 pounds... :(  It is gross. I feel  like I have let my body go. I am lazy, lazy to a point of pathetic-ness. I wish I was motivated. I wish... But I am not. I like my junk food. It's just... I feel fat, like I am not perfect. I want to be, my personality has much lacking... I am just lacking everywhere.

I will continue tomorrow

Heavy in Your Arms

' I was a heavy heart to carry,
My beloved was weighed down.
My arms around his neck,
My fingers laced a crown.
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground...

I'm so heavy. Heavy, heavy in your arms.'


Like songs I feel emotion flowing through me right now. All of them swelling and receeding as the days go by. I know no one reads these anymore, but even still I feel like spilling my heart to no one in particular. Yet my words always remain locked deep in the recesses of my mind.

Why am I so afraid to speak the words that implore me day after day to pass my lips? And yet when I open them no sound passes. Fear and trepidation always takes me and binds my chest, and I feel like the words I had so yearned to speak choke me. It is around this time I withdraw. Returning to the vices that keep my mind occupied, not allowing it to wonder.

It is a foolish task, a temporary solution. Yet even as I know it is wrong I feel myself choke. What a dilema.

I feel very heavy.

Yet are not the truths heavy too? Would they not cause the problems that I so fear?

Maybe I am too insure of myself. Either way it is bringing me down.