Enjoy
Every step was a new torture. Yet she kept going even as the world pushed down. It was nearly over; she knew that now even as she continued. The worst part was she accepted it.
Every second had led to this; every detail of her seemingly meaningless existence had built up to this moment. The pain, the torment that now wracked her body, was nothing. Nothing compared to the relief that would soon envelope her.
If only it could come a minute sooner.
She knew the battle still raged around her, but even with the sounds of death and destruction invading her ears her focus could not be broken. She continued soundlessly, her head held as high as her failing body would allow. She wanted her last moments be ones of pride and glory, though even she knew it would make no difference.
Then she saw him. He stood out to her among the rest, a candle in the blackest of nights, the star that leads her home again. The moment he registered to her was the moment he looked up- their eyes meeting as if there was nothing else to look at but each other. The entire world could have ended and she would have been completely oblivious. She knew one thing at that moment and that it was finally over.
A smile broke out upon her parched lips as she saw him move toward her, his mouth forming words her ears would not accept. Time did not move then, it only stood still as she attempted one more step. But her legs would not have it. The ground came rushing toward her as she fell and she welcomed it. She had never expected the end to be so peaceful.
And she saw him. Pushing his way through the chaos to her, his face panic stricken as he screamed something.
It was all fading quickly, the agony dissolving as the numbness of death took its place, but before she was lost to the blackness she heard him, only him in a sea of sound.
“Liliana!”
I really like it! I feel like it's one of those books where they give you a tid bit of the ending first and then rewind so that you really understand what was going on. Only sentence I would change: "She knew one thing at that moment and that it was finally over." I would take out the "and" and maybe even the "that", it's trippy as it is, but it will be more impactful without those two words.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rachelle, I think there needs to be more substance as to what is going on. Seems like an interesting character, but there's absolutely no way to visualize what's happening, so I can't really get into it. Leaving the reader to guess bits and pieces is fine, and some mystery at the beginning is good, but there needs to be enough to start getting us into the world you're writing. War? Genocide? Past? Future? Alternate universe? Apocalypse? Isolated society? Is the battle just starting, in the middle, or seems near an end? Really any more information. We don't get anything on the setting, the main character, or the man she approaches, so it's just hard to dive into.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence sounds a little cliche, maybe change it?
Other than that, it sounds really interesting. I'd like to know what's going on! Sorry if the first paragraph sounds harsh. I figure you want everything we think though, if you're about to start some huge project, haha. Basically, if you find the balance between mystery and letting us see the world, it'd be great. I don't have any other criticisms, really. Good luck!
Great job! I really want to hear more! :D
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