Joking on your alibis

Emotion is such a strange thing. Some people, such as myself, cannot help but spill emotion. Then there are people who cannot show emotion at all. How does the mind work? How is it possible that some people are open books and other's are not? Is it really how we are raised, or do our brains really work so differently?

I am not even sure how the human brain works, I am not sure how it is possible. I have only ever lived my life, in my head. Sometimes I feel unsensitive because there is so much about people I cannot understand. For example if I have a problem I tend to feel upset and push against the flow, while Adam is logical and decides to go with the flow and fix things. Of course fixing things is amazing but I wonder how he can be so calm. Is it... Normal? Am I the strange one? Or are we all so different?

I have friends like myself as well. And k have friends like Adam too. How are we all so different? And even someone like me who does have bipolar disorder, is it even real? Are there really emotional problems like that or has some docter made them up to explain people who are different?

After today I am not sure... What does eveyone think?

Twirling through sick lullabies

Continued from last night

Anyway, like I was saying I just feel lacking in everything. Almost as if I am going slower then most. Every time I want to feel alright, and I truthfully try my best something kicks me back down. I am not even sure how to keep getting back up. I am almost ready to disconnect and just fall back into myself... But I know it is not the right thing to do. It will not solve anything.

On top of all of this my dog, Moka, is very sick. She can barely walk and she has a bad fever... I am trying to learn how to let her go, but it is not easy. I know she is 12, and I know she has lived a long time.. I just love her dearly. I am not even sure how exactly to handle the situation. I feel sad, yet I am a swirling mess... I am so out of energy. I have no energy to be too sad...

I am not sure what to do. But I need to find a solution soon. I cannot continue to be an emotional whirlwind sweeping the people I love the most into the mix.

I apologize if I sound like an emotional freak.

Jealousy turning sense into the sea

So it has been a while since I really wrote about me hasn't it? Mostly it has been emo logs, and some sad prose I stumbled through at 3 am. Unfortunately I can't say I have been better then those ramblings. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks. After getting a very promising reply from apple (and going to one training session) I was sadly let down.. The same day I learned I was losing a shift at work. Right now I work at Bistro M, a French Bistro, and I have to say it is hell on earth. It is poorly managed and we don't even get paid on time... not a structured environment, nor a good environment to have a job. I have wanted to leave for a  while, and I was working on it. I just didn't expect to be so suddenly put in an uncompromising situation.

It has been a disappointment. Not only to myself, but to everyone. Everything I have worked for seems to fall apart and it leaves me... Morose to say the least. It has not been fair to Adam. I always feel I am on the edge of an existential break down...  And he is taking the brunt of it. In all honesty sometimes I am jealous of him. He is a complete beacon of strength. Never faltering, never wavering... Even when I throw my worst at him it seems to brush off (not that I intentional throw my worst, sometimes it just happens). I am jealous of that. Emotion hits me in such powerful waves that surge over me and pull me in. To him I am an open book, I am... Predictable. A predictable nuisance.

My self esteem isn't doing too well either if you can tell. I have gained 30 pounds... :(  It is gross. I feel  like I have let my body go. I am lazy, lazy to a point of pathetic-ness. I wish I was motivated. I wish... But I am not. I like my junk food. It's just... I feel fat, like I am not perfect. I want to be, my personality has much lacking... I am just lacking everywhere.

I will continue tomorrow

Heavy in Your Arms

' I was a heavy heart to carry,
My beloved was weighed down.
My arms around his neck,
My fingers laced a crown.
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down.
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground...

I'm so heavy. Heavy, heavy in your arms.'


Like songs I feel emotion flowing through me right now. All of them swelling and receeding as the days go by. I know no one reads these anymore, but even still I feel like spilling my heart to no one in particular. Yet my words always remain locked deep in the recesses of my mind.

Why am I so afraid to speak the words that implore me day after day to pass my lips? And yet when I open them no sound passes. Fear and trepidation always takes me and binds my chest, and I feel like the words I had so yearned to speak choke me. It is around this time I withdraw. Returning to the vices that keep my mind occupied, not allowing it to wonder.

It is a foolish task, a temporary solution. Yet even as I know it is wrong I feel myself choke. What a dilema.

I feel very heavy.

Yet are not the truths heavy too? Would they not cause the problems that I so fear?

Maybe I am too insure of myself. Either way it is bringing me down.

Summer... Now what?

Well summer has begun. You can tell because it's 80+ degrees and everyone is out of school. I want this to be an exciting summer. I want this to be a fun summer.

I am just not sure what to do. Hopefully Adam and I will go on the adventures we planned. Anyone have any ideas what I can do this summer vacation?