So it has been a while since I really wrote about me hasn't it? Mostly it has been emo logs, and some sad prose I stumbled through at 3 am. Unfortunately I can't say I have been better then those ramblings. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks. After getting a very promising reply from apple (and going to one training session) I was sadly let down.. The same day I learned I was losing a shift at work. Right now I work at Bistro M, a French Bistro, and I have to say it is hell on earth. It is poorly managed and we don't even get paid on time... not a structured environment, nor a good environment to have a job. I have wanted to leave for a while, and I was working on it. I just didn't expect to be so suddenly put in an uncompromising situation.
It has been a disappointment. Not only to myself, but to everyone. Everything I have worked for seems to fall apart and it leaves me... Morose to say the least. It has not been fair to Adam. I always feel I am on the edge of an existential break down... And he is taking the brunt of it. In all honesty sometimes I am jealous of him. He is a complete beacon of strength. Never faltering, never wavering... Even when I throw my worst at him it seems to brush off (not that I intentional throw my worst, sometimes it just happens). I am jealous of that. Emotion hits me in such powerful waves that surge over me and pull me in. To him I am an open book, I am... Predictable. A predictable nuisance.
My self esteem isn't doing too well either if you can tell. I have gained 30 pounds... :( It is gross. I feel like I have let my body go. I am lazy, lazy to a point of pathetic-ness. I wish I was motivated. I wish... But I am not. I like my junk food. It's just... I feel fat, like I am not perfect. I want to be, my personality has much lacking... I am just lacking everywhere.
I will continue tomorrow
I know exactly how you feel. Though I'm not sad all the time, I know how it feels when you think you're being unfair to someone. Doran and Adam are similar in the sense that they seem to take things completely in stride. I also know how it feels to just kind of generally dislike yourself because of normal habits. It's not fun.
ReplyDeleteDon't get to down though! Life will turn up. Try searching for a better job that will give you more pay and more shifts, if you aren't already. And don't worry about Adam -- he loves you and will do anything for you. He understands. ^.^
Thank you :) you are right, I have just been caught up in everything. It is good to step back and look at the good things
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